grocery_card

Do you pay for your groceries? Well have I got a product for you. With grocery insurance you’ll never have to pay the grocery bill again. Don’t let those greedy grocery stores take all your money!

What Can I Do?

Demand that your employer include grocery insurance as part of your employment benefits. Groceries are getting expensive! Insure yourself against rising prices and pay only a $1 co-pay each time you shop at the grocery store.

Coming soon…

Electricity insurance – Stop paying for your electric bill like a fool. Instead just present your electricity insurance card. Don’t let the power companies take you for a ride. Demand that your employer provide you with electricity insurance like any decent human should have. Stop being denied your rights to free electricity.

Entertainment insurance – Armed with your new entertainment card, you’ll be able to watch a movie at nearly any theater and have a beer at any decent bar in the entire country. Included in coverage is one flat screen TV purchase per year,  up to 70 inches. You can also use your entertainment insurance for cable packages of up to 400 channels, excluding pornography and Ben Affleck movies.

[insert sound of record scratching]

What the heck?! That’s not insurance!

Really? Let’s consult wikipedia.org:

Insurance, in law and economics, is a form of risk management primarily used to hedge against the risk of a contingent loss.

A hedge against the risk of loss. Let’s visit the oldest form of insurance: property insurance. If you own a house or car, you should be familiar. Let’s examine what a “full coverage” car insurance policy actually covers:

  • Liability – In the case of an accident, if you get sued the insurance covers the payout and cost of the law suit
  • Collision – In the case of an accident, this covers the repair or replacement of your car
  • Comprehensive – This covers the repair or replacement of your car in the event of fire, theft, vandalism, and severe weather
  • Uninsured/Underinsured Motorist – In the case of an accident where the other driver is a fault and does not have adequate insurance, this feature still covers the damage or loss
  • Loss of Use – While your car is being repaired or replaced after an accident or claim, this feature covers the cost of temporarily renting a car
  • Gap Coverage – This covers any negative equity in the event of a total loss on a car that was worth less than balance owed on the loan against it
  • Towing – This covers the cost of towing your car after an accident

Do you see any common thread interwoven into each of the items covered by car insurance? They all involve an undesirable or unexpected incident to occur. Notice that the following is not covered by any car insurance policy:

  • Gasoline
  • Windshield Wiper Fluid
  • Brake Pad Replacements
  • Tire Replacements
  • Belt Replacements
  • Spark Plug Replacements
  • [other component] Replacements

But Seriously…

When you started reading about grocery insurance and electricity insurance it probably seemed silly to you, as it should. Because insurance is supposed to cover damage or loss. I eat food from the grocery store not as a result of damage to my body, but because of a regular need. It takes no catastrophe for me to use electricity. I want electricity. Accidents and catastrophes are undesirable and unexpected. Groceries and electricity are desirable and expected.

While grocery insurance and electricity insurance sound silly, the same principles applied to health insurance sound “normal.” Getting a cold every now and then is expected. Getting periodic exams at the doctor’s office is not only expected, but desirable. So why does insuring the expected and desirable seem sensible with health insurance and ludicrous with grocery insurance? No good reason.

Remember, cigarettes used to be viewed as good for our health. Heroine and cocaine used to be medical treatments. We used to have leaches suck out our blood to treat illnesses. We used to do a lot of stupid things. And insuring expected and desirable medical treatments will eventually join the ranks of the stupid past.

Remember, low-deductible insurance is a scam. Even a stupid 20 year-old can see that, as we discussed last week.

A scam, really?

The insurance company simply can’t collect less from you than they pay out to you over the course of regular, expected events. That’s just not how the world of money and business works. They have to make a profit. They have to collect more from you than they pay out to you over the course of regular, expected events. In some circles, this is known as “getting screwed.” So stop doing it.

Contrary to the tongue-in-cheek introduction, I now have an earnest request: Demand that your employer allow you to opt-out of its insurance plan and raise your pay by exactly the amount of the insurance premium eliminated. Then get a policy with a deductible of at least $2,500 and save the savings in a special “I’m a grown up, I swear” jar or savings account.

See you at the grocery store   ;-)